Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Nothing says fun like Pee'n Blood

I was looking at a web site and this story pop'd in my head. It was probably about eight years ago now and me and many of my friends had gone to Carlise PA for a car show. My Friend Frank and I ran an online magazine at the time and we were there for their online coverage. Other then the location that really doesn't have much to do with the story. But I figure some background builds the story up.

Frank and I were up there with about 25 of our friends and we had all booked rooms at a Quality Inn up there. That in itself is another story. Come to think of it, every year we went up there it, it resulted in at least a handful of insane moments. But this was our first trip up to Carlise and it was pretty hectic. We had a booth to setup, we had made stickers to hand out, and helped our friend John get his stuff ready as well. He runs Speedesign, one of the biggest graphic shops on the East Coast. We did the setup thing and then hit up Bob Evans for some grub, it was getting late and we were all thinking about heading back and crashing until someone saw "it". And by "it" I'm referring to most bestest go cart track you would ever be blessed to drive on.

Now, if you have partaken of the joy that is go carts, you know how fun they are and how much more fun a slick track is. But usually a slick track is just a big circle and you mainly just drift around the circle, which is fun but nothing compared to this course. Our large group charged across the grassy field and made our way over to the tracks. At first we thought the course was a standard street course. But no, this was the most awesome slick track ever. It had at least 8 turns, some of them incredibly tight. Plus a pretty long stretch that took you past the pit area. There were 26 cars and their was actually 26 of us there, awesome! The whole track was ours.

As we stood there waiting in line we watched the other people driving and the course looked like it was indeed quite slick. We also heard the GC conductor (guy that worked there) going over the "rules" of the track. No Bumping, No Crashing, when the yellow light comes on you have one more lap, when the red comes on pull into the pit. What the hell, that doesn't sound like fun, no bumping or crashing? No, that just won't do. We were next and this is about the time that the smack talk started. People saying I'm going to beat you, I'm going to lap you. I laughed, "you may just do that, but my goal isn't to win. It's to put you in the wall." And there is was, the decision was out. This was going to be a no holds barred slaughter fest. We also decided that rules were for sissy's and we all agreed that when the yellow light turned on we were all going to go nuts and do donuts or whatever so our "last" lap never ended.

Our turn, we pile in and people go diving for their choice ride. I was in the 2nd row next to my boy Frank. Everyone is in and the guy is walking though "his" rules and then starts the countdown. When the light turned green the carnage began. We didn't even make it through the first turn, 8 cars piled up and people were already facing the wrong way. I got through the pile and mashed it, 1) I knew there were people on my butt and 2) I want make ramming speed. I made it through the first lap mostly unscathed and was now coming back into the first pile up. Off to the side I heard the GCC yelling " NO BUMPING! " but really what I had in mind wasn't really considered bumping. I lined up on a kid named Kevin (aka Smokey, and it has nothing to do with drugs, his POS car just smoked like a champ) and bored on in. I hit him in the rear wheel area spinning him around again, I saw his whole body slam over, I smiled with pride. Thankfully my momentum keeping me moving, but not for long, my impact slowed me down and left me out there a target for someone behind me. I got rear ended right into a guard rail and was being pushed along. The other car shot free and I mashed it, sitting still was certain death.

I shot into the hard S turns and saw my good buddy Smokey again, so off I went. I smashed into his right side and actually ran him into another guy (Lance), which wasn't good for him as he went head first into a guard rail stopping dead. Me and Smokey just laughed, but our team ended there and I spun him out high speed police style. He turned around just to have John crush him. Off I went, I was ahead of most so I was now trying to survive the last turn. There were a few girls out there with us and I passed one, I had promised them all I wouldn't crash them. Too bad Smokey's girlfriend didn't reciprocate and she smashed into me hard as I made it to the straight away. Lucky for me I was ahead of her and her collision didn't spin me. LAP 2, I shoot past the pit and GCC guy, he's screaming now " What the hell are you all doing?! " I don't know who yelled it but from behind me I heard " Having Fun! ".

I make the first turn and as I head into the S turns there's John. Dead stopped and sitting by the rails. He sees me coming and his eyes get huge, he's a sitting duck and he's expecting my attack to be ruthless. But for some reason I felt pity in my heart. I laughed and went at him but swerved at the last moment, putting a scare into him but the relief was visible. Though it was only visible for about 3 seconds as Frank barreled into him full bore. I guess he didn't feel he could pass up the target of a wide eyed John. The collision was so hard that it actually sent John up on to the rail. No small feat as John is no small feat himself. The shock his body took was painful to watch so I can only imagine it was quite painful to receive. The distraction cost me though and I got spun out by Lance as soon as I passed the carnage. He clipped me good and I ended up stopped facing the rail myself. One of the workers (not GCC himself but a helper ) ran over to free me up. As he ran up he was laughing pretty heartily, " You guys are crazy! " he said as he tried to right my cart. He had just freed me when someone else came blasting in smashing me in the back. I launched away almost taking his foot with me. I just waved thanks as I shot away.

I caught up with John as we came around the final turn, both of us were recovering from the solid hits we had just taken so we nodded our agreement of truce. I was just planning on making it to the straight to recover before jumping back into the fray. That plan went out the window as soon as I saw Lance ahead of us. I wanted revenge for his hit and Lance for one is a nut and two a smack talker (well I guess that is actually 3, Revenge + 2). It was on, I motioned toward Lance to John and he caught on immediately. I went in first caught him hard on the front section of his cart spinning him, right behind me John came in hard crushing him T Bone style. He forced his car over at least 3 feet and put him halfway over the guard rail (these rails are only about 4 inches high but as the carts are flat on the ground, it's quite impressive). Since I had only forced the spin I kept going or at least tried to. I put the pedal down but the cart just died. Looking around in confusion I saw that everyone else was having the same issue. I then noticed the GCC jumping up and down screaming at us " That's it, that's it you are all done! I'm going to turn your carts back on, bring them into the PIT! " He turned the carts on and then turned on the YELLOW light.

That was a mistake, of course he didn't know that but that was all we needed. Everyone went nuts, people doing donuts, some going backwards and I saw 2 people head to head just mashing the pedals. Everyone was laughing loudly at our cleverness, well not everyone. GCC flipped out screaming again and this time ran out into the track. "Pull in the pit, pull in the pit!" I guess we decided we didn't want him to have a heart attack so we stopped our freak out session and started to head for the pit. As we neared it I realized that the pit lanes were separated by little orange cones. Little orange cones that weren't attached to anything. I was near the front of the pack so only about 3 carts had come in already and I figured I'd end the course in grand fashion. As soon as I got into the pit I slammed on the brake, pulled the wheel hard right and went plowing through the cones sideways. Cones were everywhere and I mean everywhere which was awesome but that wasn't the worst of it. I was now all blocked up in the pit area and that caused a whole new pile up. Cars were facing every direction and jammed up completely. Nice.

I was drawn back to reality pretty quickly as GCC came running over " You A$$holes! You are out of here, you, you and YOU! " The last "you" was me, he was standing there pointing right at me. All I could do was laugh, " Dude they are only Go Carts ". He didn't appear to feel the same. We started to hop out of our cars and headed for the exit. The people that were waiting in line where laughing, cheering and clapping "That was Awesome!" "You guys are crazy!". Sweet, we had an audience.

As we all huddled up after our expulsion from the track some of us were a little bummed. We had bought 2 tickets, not that we were really worried about the money but we wanted to get back out there again! So that's when we decided our banned status didn't include the normal track. We walked over and gave the GCC there our tickets and he gladly let us in to which we all cheered. This track was normal (non slick) so we couldn't get to crazy. But that didn't stop Lance from yelling at the slick track GCC and then giving him the finger. Yup, we made ourselves a nice impression at the Go Cart track. After our race was done we all went back to the hotel and crashed out. It had been a long day and now I was sore.

The next morning while taking a shower I noticed my back was real tender. I looked in the mirror and have a big ol bruise on my left kidney area. Wow, that hurt. But it only made me think about last night and start laughing. I got ready and headed out of the bathroom still laughing. Lance was standing there, "what's so funny?". I pulled up my shirt to reveal the bruise. John looked over "Oh that's a good one". Lance smiled, "this morning when I got up a p1$$ed some blood, I laughed too". Yup, something isn't right with that boy.

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